time after time

I had an interesting realization this weekend. I went to visit an old friend, my first ex actually. We managed to stay friends after our break up (initiated by me) but maybe only because we had mutual friends and were forced to interact. Also, I can't even imagine what it might have been like for her in that situation, as I was the one who did the breakup-ing. Not that it was easy, it was a difficult decision on my part. But that's not what I wanted to get into here.

The point is, nearly 8 years after my relationship with her - we were able to talk and hang out as friends. Look fondly at the past. We'd had conversations over the internet before, but this was truly hanging out one on one in person. Of course, she is married now and very much happy with her life. But, in hanging with her I remembered what our friendship was like. What our relationship was like. And I noticed something in her that I hadn't thought of before.

I had always seen my two relationships as night and day. She and he were nothing alike, and yet I loved them both. But, in spending time with her again, I realized that at the core they had this thing in common: neither one of them gives a shit what people think. I mean, truly. There are people out there who go around saying they don't care what other's think of them...and they may hide it really well - but deep down, they DO care. Not these two. These two people that I have chosen to love and opened my heart to the most....they are truly free.

It's said that often in relationships with others we seek what we admire - but what we feel we lack in our own selves. How interesting it is then, that I realize that what I seem to be attracted to, pulled to, in another person is that beautiful disregard for what the masses think of you and your decisions and your life. And that was a huge eye opener for me. That perhaps what I truly desire in this world is to be free. To really and truly not give a shit what others think of me, of my life, of my decisions. Everything.

Perhaps only then will I be able to have the love I know I deserve. When I no longer have to look outside to someone else to find what I admire most.

but that's not how it was for me...not completely

I enjoy watching movies with a happy ending. I love the ones with a heartbroken girl/guy who meets a new person and then is given the chance to blow off their ex when suddenly that person wants them again. And as the audience in those stories, we all can see how this new person is really the better relationship. And that's great and all, I wish I could feel that I will have that same sort of happy ending. Really. And I do believe that my life WILL have a "happy ending", I do.

But as far as seeing the ex as a "bad person" or the relationship being "all wrong"....it's been seven months, and I still don't see that. I mean, I see that things went bad, but mostly for things we were each doing independently, which of course had an influence on the relationship, I won't deny that. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not seeing it? After seven months, you'd think I would be able to see more clearly or something. I dunno.

I don't really know where I was going with this.

happiness and sadness

I think I am happier than I have been with my life in a long, long while. Each day feels like a new and awesome journey. My previous depression melting away. I am happier with MYSELF, which I think has a great effect on how I perceive the world around me as well. Happiness comes from within after all.

I can't help but notice that my happiness is coming when I am no longer in the relationship I was in for the past 5 years. Is it because I could no longer use that other person as the source of my happiness that I was able to find it on my own? Or is it because I am free of that person that I was able to pursue it? I am not quite sure of the answer on this one. It does make me wonder though. If it's the latter, I certainly don't want to jump back into a position of having said person in my life again...on any sort of level. If it's the former, I still am hesitant because I don't want to cause myself further mental trauma by following my heart instead of my head.

single living

I'm not sure I like living alone. I like having my own space, I like being able to put my things exactly where I want them and do exactly as I feel...

But I am reminded of when I had a single dorm room in college. I had my own room and bathroom, able to do exactly what I wanted with the space...but just outside my door I had a community of people. If I wanted to be alone, I would spend time in my room - but when I felt like interacting with others I would leave my door open, or venture out into the common areas to see what was going on. And you never knew what you would find. People would stop by to visit you if your door was open. You could find yourself in a conversation with a person you might never have otherwise singled out.

That was a good time in life. And most people I knew were happy. But now we have all sectioned off and split ourselves. We've put up these barriers, social and physical, so that we cannot have the same open community we once did.

Is that just the natural progression of things? That we all "grow up" sometime? Or do we have it all wrong in singling each other out and sectioning off into what we think is supposed to be "right"?

my solemn vow

I don't know that I believe in "for better or worse/'til death do us part".

the power of christ compels you!

If I feel inspired to do something, sometimes I just do it. Without thinking it through completely. Usually it doesn't get me into trouble. Sometimes I wonder though...

Like if I hear a funny line or joke that reminds me of my ex, even though my head logically tells me to put some distance between us to let my heart heal, I still feel compelled to share it.

Sometimes I think life is too short to let shit get in the way of sharing a connection with another human being. Any connection.

Sigh.

sticking with it

Today I have made a decision. Not to be lazy, to do what I know is best for me - to not be influenced by others and their thoughts or opnions. To do what I know feels right in my heart. To live my life the way I want to, not up against anyone's standards but my own. Quit being lazy, have the will power to stick with my guns.

Today is the day.

complications of the heart

Why are matters of the heart so damn complicated? Do they HAVE to be complicated? or do we just make them that way because we believe that's how it is, because that's what other people tell us?

Obviously, I don't want to see myself get hurt in the way I was again...but why did I allow myself to get hurt in the first place? Did I do something wrong? Go about something wrong? Why do people get hurt by people who never had any intention of hurting them in the first place. We hurt because we let ourselves become too attached. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? Isn't that what makes us feel alive though? Feeling? The ups and downs - letting ourselves, our hearts get in way past the point of logic? Isn't that why there is the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Because it IS better to have HAD those feelings, proof that you can feel them, proof that you have that depth and range of emotion - than to never have felt it in the first place. Isn't that what makes artists create, writers write and musicians to spill their guts? Because they feel so deeply, so passionately, that it over takes them? I certainly think so.

On the other hand, I believe in living fully - so that you have no regrets. To play that game and ask yourself what decision would you make if you knew you were going to die soon? It's almost freeing isn't it? To not fear death, and know it's coming. Well, we ALL know that. It's the one certainty in life, and yet we all try to ignore it and not think it's something that can happen to us. If you were to die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...what are the things you would do? Who would you make an effort to see? How would your relationships with people in your life change?

This is what I am asking myself these days. Some of the things I might do if I knew I was going to die soon are things I couldn't realistically do...like up and quitting my job. I mean, if I knew I was going to die, I wouldn't want to waste my last days spending a good majority at a place I don't care about much. And I probably wouldn't have signed a lease on an apartment like this. But, knowing how I feel about my job, I can make decisions to bring other things in my life that DO bring me joy. Most of the people in my life that I love, know that I love them and there aren't any old grudges from my past that I feel need to be healed or taken care of. Except, I think if I knew I was going to die, I would regret pushing the former boyfriend away and not maintaining our friendship at least. However, given that I am more than likely going to live longer than a month or something, I don't want to open myself for just MORE hurt in the future.