complications of the heart

Why are matters of the heart so damn complicated? Do they HAVE to be complicated? or do we just make them that way because we believe that's how it is, because that's what other people tell us?

Obviously, I don't want to see myself get hurt in the way I was again...but why did I allow myself to get hurt in the first place? Did I do something wrong? Go about something wrong? Why do people get hurt by people who never had any intention of hurting them in the first place. We hurt because we let ourselves become too attached. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? Isn't that what makes us feel alive though? Feeling? The ups and downs - letting ourselves, our hearts get in way past the point of logic? Isn't that why there is the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Because it IS better to have HAD those feelings, proof that you can feel them, proof that you have that depth and range of emotion - than to never have felt it in the first place. Isn't that what makes artists create, writers write and musicians to spill their guts? Because they feel so deeply, so passionately, that it over takes them? I certainly think so.

On the other hand, I believe in living fully - so that you have no regrets. To play that game and ask yourself what decision would you make if you knew you were going to die soon? It's almost freeing isn't it? To not fear death, and know it's coming. Well, we ALL know that. It's the one certainty in life, and yet we all try to ignore it and not think it's something that can happen to us. If you were to die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...what are the things you would do? Who would you make an effort to see? How would your relationships with people in your life change?

This is what I am asking myself these days. Some of the things I might do if I knew I was going to die soon are things I couldn't realistically do...like up and quitting my job. I mean, if I knew I was going to die, I wouldn't want to waste my last days spending a good majority at a place I don't care about much. And I probably wouldn't have signed a lease on an apartment like this. But, knowing how I feel about my job, I can make decisions to bring other things in my life that DO bring me joy. Most of the people in my life that I love, know that I love them and there aren't any old grudges from my past that I feel need to be healed or taken care of. Except, I think if I knew I was going to die, I would regret pushing the former boyfriend away and not maintaining our friendship at least. However, given that I am more than likely going to live longer than a month or something, I don't want to open myself for just MORE hurt in the future.

love and relationships

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but ever too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.

Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean you failed in love.

Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive. No past so bitter that love cannot accept and no love so little that we cannot start all over with.

- Albert Einstein

labels and love

I'm pretty sure that love is the most important thing in the universe. It's what all the great stories are about, all the good songs, every compelling journey has love at it's core.

I'm also pretty sure that most people haven't got a clue what true love is. I am thoroughly convinced that the english language does not have enough words to express it, and so lots of different things are lumped into the category of love. I love cake and I love shoes and I love my parents and I love my friends...but those can't all be the same. I have different feelings about all of those things and yet I describe them all as love. Doesn't that seem wrong?

I also think a lot of people confuse love with a range of other emotions: jealousy and lust being the main two. Because you want to fuck someone's brains out, that means you love them? No. Because you can't stand the thought of them being with another person, that means you love them? No. That can't be right.

If you love someone, it means that your happiness is linked to theirs. It means that if they are happy being with someone else, that should make you happy. It means that if they are happy following a different religion than yours, that should make you happy. If they want to be single and experience all that that life allows, that should make you happy. If you truly love them that is. And here's the thing...people always talk about former intimate, capital "R" relationships they've had and how they used to love that person...well, I have only been in two relationships and one was still very recent and yet, I still love both of them. In very different ways, and to different degrees. But the nature of our love just changed, that's all. I still think fondly of my first relationship. I have since apologized to that person for the manner in which it ended, which was probably not the best it could have happened. But all is forgiven. I still think of that person when I see or hear things that remind me of her. And although the pain of my recent breakup is still fresh, it helps to know that one day I will be able to think fondly of things that remind me of him and not have it hurt. It's getting better and better each day. Naturally, there are a lot of things that remind me of the relationship as it consumed my life for the last four and a half years. It will get better and less painful. Already in 4 months it feels a little less painful to think of.

A lot of people are afraid of never finding love, and I realized the other day. I don't have to fear that. Not only have I experienced great love, I still have love every day in my life. A lot more that some other people I think. I have come to realize exactly how lucky and blessed I am. I mean, truly blessed. It seems silly, but I had already been thinking of this, and then watched the Sex and the City movie...with Carrie and all of her friends who are really the loves of her life. Who are there for her when she really needs them, just as she is there for them when they need it. And I realized, I don't just have ONE group of girls who would be there for me no matter what....I have that several times over. And over and over. That makes me a VERY lucky girl. Very lucky indeed.

I don't have to be afraid of being alone....or never finding love. That won't happen to me. I am not alone, and I already have love. A lot of it, and all different kinds. And THAT thought, THAT makes me truly feel happy about life.