We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion...

Here's a secret for you. Though it seems I have changed a lot in the past year. I really haven't. Not REALLY. I'm still making the same excuses, still going through the same motions. Still bogging myself down with the same stuff that has always kept me busy. Still unsure of what my true passions are.

But you know what? As I was driving home on this cold, rainy afternoon, from a job I don't really like but everyone keeps telling me how thankful I should be that I even HAVE it....I was struck with a desire to keep driving. I want to not live my life in fear. I know there are things I want to do, but why is it that I never seem to really DO them? I always make the same excuses. Mostly that there is too much going on and there is never enough time. Time for myself? Am I really not that important? If I had all that time, would I really do all those things I claim I would do if there were more time? I always seem to distract myself.

So what if I took away all the so-called "distractions" could I, would I? With no one around, would I listen to myself? I am envisioning something. Me, putting all of my art supplies in my car and taking off. I have a place I could go. It's warmer there than it is here. And if it were just me there, it would be a quiet retreat. I would wake up every day, and exercise my body and mind. I would feed myself the food that would fuel my creativity. And I would create. I would listen to music and I would make art with my emotions. I would pull together all of the things I want to to make my life move in the direction I want it to. No more excuses. Just me and time. No internet with it's shiny to distract me. No parents telling me I should be doing something one way or another. No friends saying come party here, come party there! No obligations but the obligation to be true to myself.

Would I make it worth it?

here's the thing

The best way to teach is to live by example. How is anyone going to believe what you say if you are not living it yourself? Why are people so easily led astray from that thought? (Witness, a billion people buying a DIET book by Dr. Phil. Does that guy look healthy to you???)

However, you can live your life amazingly and be a shining example to those around you, but unless you are constantly getting out there and meeting NEW people to be an example, I think you will always fall a little short. You will always feel like something is missing, that you are not doing enough. Because you aren't.

You can't stay wrapped up in your little world and expect to make a drastic change to the world around you. I know that now.

time after time

I had an interesting realization this weekend. I went to visit an old friend, my first ex actually. We managed to stay friends after our break up (initiated by me) but maybe only because we had mutual friends and were forced to interact. Also, I can't even imagine what it might have been like for her in that situation, as I was the one who did the breakup-ing. Not that it was easy, it was a difficult decision on my part. But that's not what I wanted to get into here.

The point is, nearly 8 years after my relationship with her - we were able to talk and hang out as friends. Look fondly at the past. We'd had conversations over the internet before, but this was truly hanging out one on one in person. Of course, she is married now and very much happy with her life. But, in hanging with her I remembered what our friendship was like. What our relationship was like. And I noticed something in her that I hadn't thought of before.

I had always seen my two relationships as night and day. She and he were nothing alike, and yet I loved them both. But, in spending time with her again, I realized that at the core they had this thing in common: neither one of them gives a shit what people think. I mean, truly. There are people out there who go around saying they don't care what other's think of them...and they may hide it really well - but deep down, they DO care. Not these two. These two people that I have chosen to love and opened my heart to the most....they are truly free.

It's said that often in relationships with others we seek what we admire - but what we feel we lack in our own selves. How interesting it is then, that I realize that what I seem to be attracted to, pulled to, in another person is that beautiful disregard for what the masses think of you and your decisions and your life. And that was a huge eye opener for me. That perhaps what I truly desire in this world is to be free. To really and truly not give a shit what others think of me, of my life, of my decisions. Everything.

Perhaps only then will I be able to have the love I know I deserve. When I no longer have to look outside to someone else to find what I admire most.

happiness and sadness

I think I am happier than I have been with my life in a long, long while. Each day feels like a new and awesome journey. My previous depression melting away. I am happier with MYSELF, which I think has a great effect on how I perceive the world around me as well. Happiness comes from within after all.

I can't help but notice that my happiness is coming when I am no longer in the relationship I was in for the past 5 years. Is it because I could no longer use that other person as the source of my happiness that I was able to find it on my own? Or is it because I am free of that person that I was able to pursue it? I am not quite sure of the answer on this one. It does make me wonder though. If it's the latter, I certainly don't want to jump back into a position of having said person in my life again...on any sort of level. If it's the former, I still am hesitant because I don't want to cause myself further mental trauma by following my heart instead of my head.

complications of the heart

Why are matters of the heart so damn complicated? Do they HAVE to be complicated? or do we just make them that way because we believe that's how it is, because that's what other people tell us?

Obviously, I don't want to see myself get hurt in the way I was again...but why did I allow myself to get hurt in the first place? Did I do something wrong? Go about something wrong? Why do people get hurt by people who never had any intention of hurting them in the first place. We hurt because we let ourselves become too attached. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? Isn't that what makes us feel alive though? Feeling? The ups and downs - letting ourselves, our hearts get in way past the point of logic? Isn't that why there is the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Because it IS better to have HAD those feelings, proof that you can feel them, proof that you have that depth and range of emotion - than to never have felt it in the first place. Isn't that what makes artists create, writers write and musicians to spill their guts? Because they feel so deeply, so passionately, that it over takes them? I certainly think so.

On the other hand, I believe in living fully - so that you have no regrets. To play that game and ask yourself what decision would you make if you knew you were going to die soon? It's almost freeing isn't it? To not fear death, and know it's coming. Well, we ALL know that. It's the one certainty in life, and yet we all try to ignore it and not think it's something that can happen to us. If you were to die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...what are the things you would do? Who would you make an effort to see? How would your relationships with people in your life change?

This is what I am asking myself these days. Some of the things I might do if I knew I was going to die soon are things I couldn't realistically do...like up and quitting my job. I mean, if I knew I was going to die, I wouldn't want to waste my last days spending a good majority at a place I don't care about much. And I probably wouldn't have signed a lease on an apartment like this. But, knowing how I feel about my job, I can make decisions to bring other things in my life that DO bring me joy. Most of the people in my life that I love, know that I love them and there aren't any old grudges from my past that I feel need to be healed or taken care of. Except, I think if I knew I was going to die, I would regret pushing the former boyfriend away and not maintaining our friendship at least. However, given that I am more than likely going to live longer than a month or something, I don't want to open myself for just MORE hurt in the future.

love and relationships

Sometimes in our relentless effort to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words, for you will find rewarding happiness, not with the man you love but with the man who loves you more. The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow but ever too far to feel the love within your being.

To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it.

You may find peace in loving someone from a distance not expecting something in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past, but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship.

We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer, but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don’t have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Don’t let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.

Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn’t mean you failed in love.

Cry if you have to, but make sure that tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

There are two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

There is no mistake so painful that love cannot forgive. No past so bitter that love cannot accept and no love so little that we cannot start all over with.

- Albert Einstein

Note to Self

I just found a note to myself in my desk: "getting human beings to value and respect nature, animals, and other human beings."

I am pretty sure that I wrote this when I was thinking about what was most important to me in life, and what I am passionate about. It's very true. My "new year's resolution" for this year was to find my passion in life and pursue it with all of my being. Well, there you go. My other passion is to create things.

I want to marry these two ideals. I think it's possible. Now that I know what my passion is - it's the first step.