too much time on my hands

even though I am getting more attention, legitimate attention than I ever have before in my life....I still find myself lingering on thoughts of you-know-who. I wonder why that is?

In case you were wondering...

yea. it still hurts sometimes.

but that's not how it was for me...not completely

I enjoy watching movies with a happy ending. I love the ones with a heartbroken girl/guy who meets a new person and then is given the chance to blow off their ex when suddenly that person wants them again. And as the audience in those stories, we all can see how this new person is really the better relationship. And that's great and all, I wish I could feel that I will have that same sort of happy ending. Really. And I do believe that my life WILL have a "happy ending", I do.

But as far as seeing the ex as a "bad person" or the relationship being "all wrong"....it's been seven months, and I still don't see that. I mean, I see that things went bad, but mostly for things we were each doing independently, which of course had an influence on the relationship, I won't deny that. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not seeing it? After seven months, you'd think I would be able to see more clearly or something. I dunno.

I don't really know where I was going with this.

two weeks gone

my come hadn't even dried on your lips
before you buried your face in her barely there hips

thought you could have your cake and eat it too
but now I know, and you'll never taste me again

you've shown your true colors now
it saddens me to see what you have become

you claimed I wasn't hard enough for you,
now it's clear you weren't man enough for me

it takes some kind of woman to still stand strong
after being betrayed and lied to for so long

you pride yourself on your compassion
where was that when you allowed this to go on

you knew my knowing would change it all
but "protecting" me from truth wasn't your call

perhaps I was the foolish one,
the you I thought I knew wouldn't do this

why are you doing this to me?

My body just doesn't like certain things right now. And seeing certain people's names in a sentence as a 1+1 is definitely not something my body is liking. No matter how much my brain, my heart, my logic tell me c'est la vie......

It still makes me feel physically ill to see them together even when it's just their names typed out on a screen. How on earth could I possibly see them in public?

short thought

every girl should learn how to play an instrument...so when she gets her heart broken, she has a way to express the passion and pain and allow it to mend.

Fly me to the moon

I had such high hopes...but I seem to be in a slump these days. The last 4 and a half years have been me in a relationship. I don't know me anymore. Well, I do - but the single me now isn't the same single me from 5 years ago. I am an "adult" now. Out in the real world, no dorm living, no going to bars every weekend with friends. All of my friends are married or living with their significant others. It never bothered me before, and it doesn't really bother me now - I don't want that. I just feel like I have no one to hang with anymore. No one who gets it. No one who thinks like me.

And I have been trying to get my life the way I really want it to be. I was doing pretty well, getting my head in the game but I have run into a problem. Everything positive that I want to do with my life reminds me of the person I love. But he is gone from my life. I can't even do simple things without thinking about him. About us, about all the things I thought we would get to share together.

I realized something today. The reason it all upsets me so. It's not because I am dwelling on the past or was too invested in the relationship - it's because to think of him, to have those memories of every little thing...each and every one is a reminder that I was wrong. That my gut, which I trusted with all my heart somehow fooled me. It is a constant reminder of my fear that I will never be able to trust myself again because I was so wrong this time.

It's crippling. So I distract myself with things that won't make me think of him. Which is the opposite of everything I should be doing to be happy in life - to make myself a better person.

So now what do I do?