complications of the heart

Why are matters of the heart so damn complicated? Do they HAVE to be complicated? or do we just make them that way because we believe that's how it is, because that's what other people tell us?

Obviously, I don't want to see myself get hurt in the way I was again...but why did I allow myself to get hurt in the first place? Did I do something wrong? Go about something wrong? Why do people get hurt by people who never had any intention of hurting them in the first place. We hurt because we let ourselves become too attached. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? Isn't that what makes us feel alive though? Feeling? The ups and downs - letting ourselves, our hearts get in way past the point of logic? Isn't that why there is the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Because it IS better to have HAD those feelings, proof that you can feel them, proof that you have that depth and range of emotion - than to never have felt it in the first place. Isn't that what makes artists create, writers write and musicians to spill their guts? Because they feel so deeply, so passionately, that it over takes them? I certainly think so.

On the other hand, I believe in living fully - so that you have no regrets. To play that game and ask yourself what decision would you make if you knew you were going to die soon? It's almost freeing isn't it? To not fear death, and know it's coming. Well, we ALL know that. It's the one certainty in life, and yet we all try to ignore it and not think it's something that can happen to us. If you were to die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...what are the things you would do? Who would you make an effort to see? How would your relationships with people in your life change?

This is what I am asking myself these days. Some of the things I might do if I knew I was going to die soon are things I couldn't realistically do...like up and quitting my job. I mean, if I knew I was going to die, I wouldn't want to waste my last days spending a good majority at a place I don't care about much. And I probably wouldn't have signed a lease on an apartment like this. But, knowing how I feel about my job, I can make decisions to bring other things in my life that DO bring me joy. Most of the people in my life that I love, know that I love them and there aren't any old grudges from my past that I feel need to be healed or taken care of. Except, I think if I knew I was going to die, I would regret pushing the former boyfriend away and not maintaining our friendship at least. However, given that I am more than likely going to live longer than a month or something, I don't want to open myself for just MORE hurt in the future.