Veggisaurus

This post was written in response to a writer's block question posed: Have you ever changed your eating habits for a relationship? What lasted longer, the relationship or the habits?

Today's writer's block is actually prompting me to write something. I had tried being a vegetarian of my own choice my first year in college. I was away from home and could make my own choices about what I ate. I, however, didn't change my diet so much as just leave meat out of it. I ate a lot of bread and cheese and gained a bunch of weight (the freshman 15 if you will) When I got home that summer, I stayed vegetarian and also joined weight watchers. I still hadn't done the research on a healthy vegetarian diet, and I only had what was available in my parent's house to eat. I lost weight, but my mom hounded me constantly. When I ended up in the hospital after getting my wisdom teeth taken out (a slew of reasons added up to that visit) my mom basically told the doctor to tell me to start eating meat again. (This doctor was on the Adkins diet himself, mind you).

Fast forward about 5 years later. I am in a relationship with my best friend. He's been a vegetarian since he was 11 for moral/ethical reasons. He never seemed bothered by my meat eating. We were in a relationship for over a year (partly long distance while I was back living with my parents after college) when he was talking about his vegetarianism and what it means to him. We never brought up the subject of my own meat-eating...but it was like seeing it in a whole new light. He felt so strongly about not eating animals. How could he be in a relationship-in love, with a person who did that every day? I decided to secretly stop eating meat. I say secretly because I didn't want to make a big announcement of it - I just wanted to try it out. See how I felt, see if I wanted to do it. (I had, in fact, thought about returning to that way of eating after I moved out of my parent's house, when I had more control over what was in my own home, food-wise). Three weeks had gone by and I felt great about it. I made the committment to that lifestyle and never looked back. I did more reading this time. My boyfriend and I moved in together and we had a completely vegetarian kitchen. I loved being in charge of what groceries I bought and what was available for me to eat. I made up dishes for us. I love to cook. About a year and a half to two years later, my boyfriend decided to go vegan. I was familiar and though I knew it was probably right in my heart - the old me could not fathom giving up cheese. But, I had vegan cookbooks to learn new things to make us, and to give vegan baking a try. To my surprise, I prefer vegan baked goods! (not to mention, you can eat the batter guilt-free because it doesn't have raw eggs!)

I rarely drank milk anyway. We had only had it in the house for recipes. We switched to soy milk and then almond milk. I started buying cage-free eggs for me. (Which I usually only made when I was alone in the house for an occasional breakfast sandwich). I would eat vegan (mostly) at home but would eat dairy & eggs elsewhere. I had a slew of new cookbooks that I loved and more knowlege on how to eat a plant based diet healthily.

That boyfriend and I didn't make it. We broke up. And I think my family expected me to embrace hamburgers again. But, this wasn't just for him. It had been for me, and what I wanted/felt was right. Right after the break-up I think I *did* rebel a little and had an awful lot of pizza. Of course, it made me feel gross and gain a lot of weight. I decided to turn my life around. Started exercising regularly, eating better. I started losing weight. I read a book called "Fit for Life" when I got to the chapter that discussed dairy, it really hit home to me just how gross a concept it is. Where it comes from, the scientific breakdown of what it consists of. I realised that in my heart, I knew if I was in this for the animals, I had to let go of their by-products as well. I had been holding on because I knew it would be an inconvenience and "burden" on my family and friends. I decided right then and there, that I could no longer eat animal by-products. I cared too much about my own health and the well being of animals to let OTHER people's opinions make my choice for me.

That was well over a year ago. I haven't looked back. (Except the occasional drunken episode where I really miss pizza or cheese fries. But, I remind myself of how gross I believe it is, and it gets me over it.) These days, there are so many decent substitutions out there, there is no excuse to still perpetuate a lifestyle that is not only abusing animals, but the environment and our own bodies as well. Interestingly enough...I find myself having an issue being in a relationship with someone who still consumes meat. Even though I was a meat eater dating a vegetarian in my first relationship. I'm just not as interested in someone who eats meat. I wouldn't want to share a home with someone - the grocery bills, the cooking responsibilities, etc. But I also wouldn't want to be with someone and force my way upon them, or have them change "just for me". They'd have to come to it on their own terms.

single living

I'm not sure I like living alone. I like having my own space, I like being able to put my things exactly where I want them and do exactly as I feel...

But I am reminded of when I had a single dorm room in college. I had my own room and bathroom, able to do exactly what I wanted with the space...but just outside my door I had a community of people. If I wanted to be alone, I would spend time in my room - but when I felt like interacting with others I would leave my door open, or venture out into the common areas to see what was going on. And you never knew what you would find. People would stop by to visit you if your door was open. You could find yourself in a conversation with a person you might never have otherwise singled out.

That was a good time in life. And most people I knew were happy. But now we have all sectioned off and split ourselves. We've put up these barriers, social and physical, so that we cannot have the same open community we once did.

Is that just the natural progression of things? That we all "grow up" sometime? Or do we have it all wrong in singling each other out and sectioning off into what we think is supposed to be "right"?

my solemn vow

I don't know that I believe in "for better or worse/'til death do us part".

complications of the heart

Why are matters of the heart so damn complicated? Do they HAVE to be complicated? or do we just make them that way because we believe that's how it is, because that's what other people tell us?

Obviously, I don't want to see myself get hurt in the way I was again...but why did I allow myself to get hurt in the first place? Did I do something wrong? Go about something wrong? Why do people get hurt by people who never had any intention of hurting them in the first place. We hurt because we let ourselves become too attached. Is that necessarily a bad thing though? Isn't that what makes us feel alive though? Feeling? The ups and downs - letting ourselves, our hearts get in way past the point of logic? Isn't that why there is the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Because it IS better to have HAD those feelings, proof that you can feel them, proof that you have that depth and range of emotion - than to never have felt it in the first place. Isn't that what makes artists create, writers write and musicians to spill their guts? Because they feel so deeply, so passionately, that it over takes them? I certainly think so.

On the other hand, I believe in living fully - so that you have no regrets. To play that game and ask yourself what decision would you make if you knew you were going to die soon? It's almost freeing isn't it? To not fear death, and know it's coming. Well, we ALL know that. It's the one certainty in life, and yet we all try to ignore it and not think it's something that can happen to us. If you were to die tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...what are the things you would do? Who would you make an effort to see? How would your relationships with people in your life change?

This is what I am asking myself these days. Some of the things I might do if I knew I was going to die soon are things I couldn't realistically do...like up and quitting my job. I mean, if I knew I was going to die, I wouldn't want to waste my last days spending a good majority at a place I don't care about much. And I probably wouldn't have signed a lease on an apartment like this. But, knowing how I feel about my job, I can make decisions to bring other things in my life that DO bring me joy. Most of the people in my life that I love, know that I love them and there aren't any old grudges from my past that I feel need to be healed or taken care of. Except, I think if I knew I was going to die, I would regret pushing the former boyfriend away and not maintaining our friendship at least. However, given that I am more than likely going to live longer than a month or something, I don't want to open myself for just MORE hurt in the future.

when you wish upon a star

The more I talk to people about relationships the more I really wonder what the hell we are doing in this life? Even the people I think are so happy or in love are not.

Everyone changes over time, so how can you promise to stay with someone - even when the best thing for you both is to be in a different kind of relationship? In having expectations and obligations to someone we inevitably set ourselves up for failure. Do we not?

I'm having a hard time trusting my own self right now, because I am hearing so many opinions from so many different people. How do I know what is right in my heart when I know one of my weaknesses is always believing everything people tell me?

I feel like we could all be a lot happier if we just realized that everything we think we know may not be right. Belief systems can be the biggest obstacle to one's progress. We must be always willing to challenge our own selves, that we may in fact, be wrong. And that's not a bad thing...that's progress.