I realized two things today:

a) I need to trust my gut more. My gut wasn't necessarily WRONG about my former boyfriend...perhaps we really will share the rest of our lives together...just as friends. And that's wonderful too.

#2. I would totally do lots of travelling with all the other friends in my life....but they have closed themselves off in a way by getting married and so only doing those things with their spouses.

when you wish upon a star

The more I talk to people about relationships the more I really wonder what the hell we are doing in this life? Even the people I think are so happy or in love are not.

Everyone changes over time, so how can you promise to stay with someone - even when the best thing for you both is to be in a different kind of relationship? In having expectations and obligations to someone we inevitably set ourselves up for failure. Do we not?

I'm having a hard time trusting my own self right now, because I am hearing so many opinions from so many different people. How do I know what is right in my heart when I know one of my weaknesses is always believing everything people tell me?

I feel like we could all be a lot happier if we just realized that everything we think we know may not be right. Belief systems can be the biggest obstacle to one's progress. We must be always willing to challenge our own selves, that we may in fact, be wrong. And that's not a bad thing...that's progress.

untitled

when i eat certain foods, wear certain clothes
paint a certain color on my toes...

when i see a boat or feel a breeze
see a spiderweb in the trees

whether i am buying groceries, or looking at art
not a day goes by when you're not in my heart

"hearts and thoughts they fade away" but in this moment
it feels here to stay

reading a book, hearing a song
having a talk...everything seems wrong

there is a chunk of me missing
i don't know where to look

walking through the park, going to the zoo
how can i trust my gut, when it was so wrong about you?

quote

Yea, I am pretty much feeling the reality of this right now...

"Sometimes I am afraid of falling in love. I fear a wrong turn and losing that person as a friend. When you cross the line into another’s heart, there is rarely a going back. Things just get complicated after that point. This is my secret fear every time I get involved with someone. I just don’t want to lose a friend on the same day that I lose a lover."

short thought

every girl should learn how to play an instrument...so when she gets her heart broken, she has a way to express the passion and pain and allow it to mend.

How far does anger as a defense mechanism go? And why is it so? Why do we react with anger to things that are upsetting or that we can't seem to deal with?

I don't like having anger in me - anger is like drinking poison hoping it will kill your enemy. That's not right. It never ends well to get angry. So then why does it feel cathartic to get angry at something?

hmmmm.....

I am a grown-up. And that's OK. I doesn't mean I have to be lame or have no imagination.

well fuck.

just got some really shocking news that kinda throws a wrench into a lot of my thoughts. But. I am trying to stay cool about it. I was going to write about it, but i can't. i just can't.

craptastic

why must I always feel like crap following days when I feel fabulous and ready to conquer the world. What did I do wrong?

labels and love

I'm pretty sure that love is the most important thing in the universe. It's what all the great stories are about, all the good songs, every compelling journey has love at it's core.

I'm also pretty sure that most people haven't got a clue what true love is. I am thoroughly convinced that the english language does not have enough words to express it, and so lots of different things are lumped into the category of love. I love cake and I love shoes and I love my parents and I love my friends...but those can't all be the same. I have different feelings about all of those things and yet I describe them all as love. Doesn't that seem wrong?

I also think a lot of people confuse love with a range of other emotions: jealousy and lust being the main two. Because you want to fuck someone's brains out, that means you love them? No. Because you can't stand the thought of them being with another person, that means you love them? No. That can't be right.

If you love someone, it means that your happiness is linked to theirs. It means that if they are happy being with someone else, that should make you happy. It means that if they are happy following a different religion than yours, that should make you happy. If they want to be single and experience all that that life allows, that should make you happy. If you truly love them that is. And here's the thing...people always talk about former intimate, capital "R" relationships they've had and how they used to love that person...well, I have only been in two relationships and one was still very recent and yet, I still love both of them. In very different ways, and to different degrees. But the nature of our love just changed, that's all. I still think fondly of my first relationship. I have since apologized to that person for the manner in which it ended, which was probably not the best it could have happened. But all is forgiven. I still think of that person when I see or hear things that remind me of her. And although the pain of my recent breakup is still fresh, it helps to know that one day I will be able to think fondly of things that remind me of him and not have it hurt. It's getting better and better each day. Naturally, there are a lot of things that remind me of the relationship as it consumed my life for the last four and a half years. It will get better and less painful. Already in 4 months it feels a little less painful to think of.

A lot of people are afraid of never finding love, and I realized the other day. I don't have to fear that. Not only have I experienced great love, I still have love every day in my life. A lot more that some other people I think. I have come to realize exactly how lucky and blessed I am. I mean, truly blessed. It seems silly, but I had already been thinking of this, and then watched the Sex and the City movie...with Carrie and all of her friends who are really the loves of her life. Who are there for her when she really needs them, just as she is there for them when they need it. And I realized, I don't just have ONE group of girls who would be there for me no matter what....I have that several times over. And over and over. That makes me a VERY lucky girl. Very lucky indeed.

I don't have to be afraid of being alone....or never finding love. That won't happen to me. I am not alone, and I already have love. A lot of it, and all different kinds. And THAT thought, THAT makes me truly feel happy about life.