Fly me to the moon

I had such high hopes...but I seem to be in a slump these days. The last 4 and a half years have been me in a relationship. I don't know me anymore. Well, I do - but the single me now isn't the same single me from 5 years ago. I am an "adult" now. Out in the real world, no dorm living, no going to bars every weekend with friends. All of my friends are married or living with their significant others. It never bothered me before, and it doesn't really bother me now - I don't want that. I just feel like I have no one to hang with anymore. No one who gets it. No one who thinks like me.

And I have been trying to get my life the way I really want it to be. I was doing pretty well, getting my head in the game but I have run into a problem. Everything positive that I want to do with my life reminds me of the person I love. But he is gone from my life. I can't even do simple things without thinking about him. About us, about all the things I thought we would get to share together.

I realized something today. The reason it all upsets me so. It's not because I am dwelling on the past or was too invested in the relationship - it's because to think of him, to have those memories of every little thing...each and every one is a reminder that I was wrong. That my gut, which I trusted with all my heart somehow fooled me. It is a constant reminder of my fear that I will never be able to trust myself again because I was so wrong this time.

It's crippling. So I distract myself with things that won't make me think of him. Which is the opposite of everything I should be doing to be happy in life - to make myself a better person.

So now what do I do?