say what you say, do what you do...

After feeling very jilted by my job lately, and especially after my anger last night...today when I went in knowing it was the last beautiful weather day for awhile...I just couldn't stay.

I took off a half day. I went to the park. Had a picnic lunch with myself. Walked around enjoying the fresh air and the fall breeze. Then I went to the zoo and watched all the animals. Fall is a really great time to go to the zoo. The animals are so much more energized and out and about. I saw warty pigs, a giant male orangutan and baby tigers!! And then I just sat in the grass looking at the sky until the sun set.

I am so glad I took charge of my day and did exactly what I wanted to do. Exactly. It was a good feeling. It gave me some good quiet time to think to myself. Today is a momentous day for me. I no longer will be a slave to things I don't want to do.

Thank you, thank you so much for giving me this beautiful day to enjoy!!

I must keep reminding myself of this, I must keep reminding myself of this....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

This is bullshit! Why am I spending the best years of my life working for more than half my day!? For what? So the company I work for can make money off of shit people don't even NEED. It's not enriching anyone's lives. It's not making the world a better place. It's making me extremely unhappy, and yet I continue to go. Day after day. First I was made to go to school to learn shit I wasn't interested in and it was made to be a chore. My love for learning was squashed out of me. Because of memorization and standardized tests. Now, it's the same only I am supposedly an adult. Instead of being forced to go to school, I am forced to go to work. I think I would be happier making half as much money and working far less. I don't care if I live in a SHACK. I don't care if I have a million roommates who invade my privacy. It beats living alone with all the stuff you have accumulated because society has told you you want/need it. You can't have a conversation with STUFF. STUFF can't bring you any meaning in life.

When the world around me is beautiful, I want to enjoy it as if it were my last day on earth. Because it could be. When I have a connection with a person I want to express it as if I may never get the chance to again. Because I may not. When I see someone in need, I want to help them, because I may be the only hope they have.

What I DON'T want to do is continue to run in circles on this hamster wheel that no one else notices because they, too are running on the same wheel. I feel like I am taking CRAZY pills. Does no one realize this is bullshit. Does no one realize that there is more to life than a paycheck, 401K and fucking gold watch?! Maybe they do realize it but they don't know how to stop. Maybe there are people out there who have realized it, and they are looked down upon only because the other people still running are jealous and somehow don't think they can do the same?

I am fucking over it. I am so over it. If this is what I have to look forward to in life. I am done. Check please!