My own Nature vs. Nurture

I'm currently fighting the struggle to figure out what the difference between happiness and instant gratification is.

There is a big difference between the two. At least, I think so. A person seeking happiness in life is a lot different than a person who does drugs to escape the struggles of life. Yet sometimes "living in the present moment" seems an awful lot like instant gratification. Do I want something now because it will truly bring me happiness? Or do I want something now because I THINK that there is happiness in it?

Maybe there is no difference at all.

I keep reading blogs on how to live a simple, happy, uncluttered life. They make a lot of sense to me. To understand my motivations for doing the things that I do. To realise that I am making the choices in my life - and if I am unhappy, perhaps I need to make different choices. Or, if I am unhappy I need to realize the motivations behind my actions - to realize that something I am doing might not bring me "instant gratification" but it brings me true happiness.

Like my job for example: I seem to be unhappy at my job. And the obvious action would be to quit and find something new to do. However, I keep the job I have so that I get paid every few weeks which allows me to do things in this life that DO bring me joy: creating art, going out with friends, making food...So, in reality I just need to change my way of thinking. It's true what they say: happiness is a state of mind. My job doesn't force me to do anything. I choose to go there every day because having that job allows me freedom in other areas of my life I DO enjoy. if I remember this perhaps I can be happier with my job.

At the present moment, I think I have let social stigmas get the better of me. I allowed myself to get roped into a lease that is more money than I really need to spend. However, I don't really care in what I live as long as it's in a safe neighborhood. The fact of the matter is that they don't have leases for shitboxes that are in safe neighborhoods. They like to keep the "riff raff" out I guess. I can't change that until my current lease is out - so why should I dwell on it for the next few months. Better decision next time I say. Learn from your mistakes. I've also let THINGS get in the way of my happiness. Happiness does not lie in the clutter around me. My stuff is starting to own me, instead of the other way around. I am working to rectify this situation. But it's a process, so I shouldn't be too hard on myself as I'm going through it.

Now, on the toughest part of this: I believe that if you love someone you should make sure they know it. If you cherish someone, spend time with them. Because you never truly know how much time you have left with them. My four and a half year relationship just fizzled. And not for any of the "normal" reasons people generally break up. And, typically, I have distanced myself from this person believing that to be the "best thing" for myself at the moment. But, quite frankly, I am miserable. This was my best friend...I love this person. Just because a typical, capital R relationship didn't work for us - why should I cut them out of my life completely? If I listen to the simple, happy, living advice (and my own thoughts) I would spend time with this person and continue to at least have a friendship with them. However, am I only wanting this as "instant gratification" to assuage the ultimate pain in my heart and void in my life?

I just don't know. And I worry that it will pass me by as I am sitting here wondering.